On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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