hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
