Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
