he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
