I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize