So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
