i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
