I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
