My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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