If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
