before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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