Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
