I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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