my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
