Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm having to shit out rocks
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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