So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
false alarm. still invincible.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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