Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
