I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
