just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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