I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
