I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
