In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
