My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
