I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
