Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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