so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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