Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
