If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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