In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
