Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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