I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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