I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
