I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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