i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
