while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
