party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Farmville is her only friend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
