P.S. I can't hear my feet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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