I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We have started to decorate penises.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize