Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
