Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
