I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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