I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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