So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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