Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
