It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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