Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
