You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
