Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
