my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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