My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
These tits shall not be calmed
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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