my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
