i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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