I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I smell like Dick and happiness
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