I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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