He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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